Love, Relationships, Independence & Belonging

My life has been filled with love. Even in the moments when I could not see the love, receive the love or understand the love, love has been there.

My life has been filled with relationships. After all, it is my belief that this is exactly what life is all about: relationships. Relationships are what nurture us, sustain us, inspire us, hurt us, create suffering. All living things have relationships. At the most basic level, a tree is nurtured, sustained and inspired by its relationship with all other living things; soil, sun, water, animals, insects, humans. We need that tree for oxygen just as much as the squirrels need its nuts, the bees need its pollen, the birds need its branches, and the soil needs its compost. Human relationships are much more complex and personal while equally as dependent. The human brain creates expectations, which complicates our relationships. The tree does not expect the soil to do what it does. The process of a tree growing and developing is natural, survival. It is instinctual. A tree does not have fear. A tree only knows survival. We can learn a lot from observing the relationships between non-human, living organisms.

The impact of our relationships make us who we are and this impact cannot be measured. Our earliest relationship begins at conception, with our mother. As developing fetuses we rely 100% on our mothers for survival. That relationship can begin with nurturing and support or with neglect. As we grow, our relationships expand to that of the family, neighborhood, social environments, and then school. As we enter into adolescence, our relationship with ourselves begins to form. We explore our identities; gender, religious, cultural, familial. We seek independence from what we know, as our brains become capable of thinking in the hypothetical. We, for the first time ever, are able to think about "thinking." No wonder so many teenagers are argumentative, curious, sensation- and risk-seeking. As we enter into adulthood, our relationships become more and more complex. We form a relationship with our local communities and with our National identity. That National identity has a relationship with the entire world. Each of these relationships can be based on love, trust, peace, nurturing, and inspiration. Or, on the flip side, these relationships can be based on neglect, unmet needs, pain and suffering.

The most important relationship is the one we have with ourselves. This is the relationship that will dictate the productivity of every other relationship into which we enter. I once read that we as humans will accept as much abuse from another as we believe we deserve. Basically, we will accept as much abuse from another as we are willing to inflict upon ourselves. One of my colleagues in Wilderness Therapy used to teach our students that "expectations are premeditated resentments." What she means is that when we have expectations of others' behavior or of our environment, we are setting ourselves up for disappointment, which breeds resentment. When those expectations are not met (as they are sure not to be more often than they will be) we resent the other for not behaving the way we expected. I believe expectations cause most of the strife in our relationships. And how often do we consider our expectations of ourselves? When we decide to truly love ourselves, above and beyond all else, we can find peace. When we decide to truly love ourselves, we can experience the greatest love of all. (Didn't Whitney Houston sing this?)

I know, from my own experiences, that when I place my happiness in the hands of someone else, I am always neglected. No other human being can be responsible for my happiness. When I take full responsibility for my own happiness, I have fewer expectations of others. I do what I need to do in order to meet my needs, to inspire myself, to nurture myself; I love myself. My happiness is independent of anyone else. With this love that I create in my relationship with myself, independence is achieved. And with this independence, comes a sense of belonging. My relationships with others are stronger because I am not in need of anything that I cannot provide for myself. My expectations of others are lessened, revealing raw, pure love.

I recently returned from the most beautiful wedding I have ever had the pleasure of attending.

I was honored to stand in support of my dear friend Cassie and her union with her best friend. Over the past few years, alongside Cassie, I learned so much of what I believe about my relationships with myself and with others. I got to watch Cassie choose to put herself first and heal her relationship with herself, as I practiced healing my own relationships. And in that process, Cassie entered into a relationship with a beautiful man who loves himself. And now, they have chosen to share their lives and share their love, till death do they part. Why do I know that this is the right man for Cassie? Because I know how much Cassie loves herself and I can see how much this man loves himself and I know their love for themselves is independent of the love that they share for one another. And because of this, his happiness is not in her hands. Her happiness is not in his hands. Their hands are clasped in union, while their independence is recognized, honored and respected. And they belong together.

I began wrapping my mind around these ideas of love, relationships, independence and belonging when I drove out of South Carolina 7 years ago. My belief that that road trip was the beginning of my journey home is strengthened daily. Back in the day, I could not see, receive or understand love because I did not experience love for myself. Now, I recognize that I am exactly where I belong. And I know this, because I know how to trust my intuition, trust my heart, trust my head, and I know, above all else, how to love myself. How about you? How strong is the relationship you have with yourself? And how is this relationship reflected in the relationships you maintain with others?