Flashbacks

I just had a flash of realization of how different my life is today than it was a year ago. October 1 marked my 1 year anniversary living in Wilmington. I am listening to some of my favorite female musicians while preparing a "spot o' tea" for myself. My tea of choice this morning is Mate Riviera from Townshend's Teahouse in Bend, OR. I have not sipped this tea since my road trip. It was the smell of the tea that hit me. I instantly flashed back to my many visits to the Teahouse, tasting a new tea with each visit. I felt as if I had been slapped in the face by an undeniable desire to be amidst the ponderosa pines, to feel the cool, dry air on my skin, and to share a spot 0' tea with dear friends, whom I miss greatly.

Don't get me wrong, I am content in my new home. I am making new friends and growing exponentially every day. I still miss the familiar. Even after a year, everything feels so new. I guess the one thing that is most familiar, is this feeling. This feeling of being in yet another new place for the one year anniversary, longing for familiarity and for connections that are now scattered. I have a feeling this time is going to be different, though. I have a feeling that this one year anniversary will grow into a 5 year anniversary. Now, that will be interesting!

Love, Relationships, Independence & Belonging

My life has been filled with love. Even in the moments when I could not see the love, receive the love or understand the love, love has been there.

My life has been filled with relationships. After all, it is my belief that this is exactly what life is all about: relationships. Relationships are what nurture us, sustain us, inspire us, hurt us, create suffering. All living things have relationships. At the most basic level, a tree is nurtured, sustained and inspired by its relationship with all other living things; soil, sun, water, animals, insects, humans. We need that tree for oxygen just as much as the squirrels need its nuts, the bees need its pollen, the birds need its branches, and the soil needs its compost. Human relationships are much more complex and personal while equally as dependent. The human brain creates expectations, which complicates our relationships. The tree does not expect the soil to do what it does. The process of a tree growing and developing is natural, survival. It is instinctual. A tree does not have fear. A tree only knows survival. We can learn a lot from observing the relationships between non-human, living organisms.

The impact of our relationships make us who we are and this impact cannot be measured. Our earliest relationship begins at conception, with our mother. As developing fetuses we rely 100% on our mothers for survival. That relationship can begin with nurturing and support or with neglect. As we grow, our relationships expand to that of the family, neighborhood, social environments, and then school. As we enter into adolescence, our relationship with ourselves begins to form. We explore our identities; gender, religious, cultural, familial. We seek independence from what we know, as our brains become capable of thinking in the hypothetical. We, for the first time ever, are able to think about "thinking." No wonder so many teenagers are argumentative, curious, sensation- and risk-seeking. As we enter into adulthood, our relationships become more and more complex. We form a relationship with our local communities and with our National identity. That National identity has a relationship with the entire world. Each of these relationships can be based on love, trust, peace, nurturing, and inspiration. Or, on the flip side, these relationships can be based on neglect, unmet needs, pain and suffering.

The most important relationship is the one we have with ourselves. This is the relationship that will dictate the productivity of every other relationship into which we enter. I once read that we as humans will accept as much abuse from another as we believe we deserve. Basically, we will accept as much abuse from another as we are willing to inflict upon ourselves. One of my colleagues in Wilderness Therapy used to teach our students that "expectations are premeditated resentments." What she means is that when we have expectations of others' behavior or of our environment, we are setting ourselves up for disappointment, which breeds resentment. When those expectations are not met (as they are sure not to be more often than they will be) we resent the other for not behaving the way we expected. I believe expectations cause most of the strife in our relationships. And how often do we consider our expectations of ourselves? When we decide to truly love ourselves, above and beyond all else, we can find peace. When we decide to truly love ourselves, we can experience the greatest love of all. (Didn't Whitney Houston sing this?)

I know, from my own experiences, that when I place my happiness in the hands of someone else, I am always neglected. No other human being can be responsible for my happiness. When I take full responsibility for my own happiness, I have fewer expectations of others. I do what I need to do in order to meet my needs, to inspire myself, to nurture myself; I love myself. My happiness is independent of anyone else. With this love that I create in my relationship with myself, independence is achieved. And with this independence, comes a sense of belonging. My relationships with others are stronger because I am not in need of anything that I cannot provide for myself. My expectations of others are lessened, revealing raw, pure love.

I recently returned from the most beautiful wedding I have ever had the pleasure of attending.

I was honored to stand in support of my dear friend Cassie and her union with her best friend. Over the past few years, alongside Cassie, I learned so much of what I believe about my relationships with myself and with others. I got to watch Cassie choose to put herself first and heal her relationship with herself, as I practiced healing my own relationships. And in that process, Cassie entered into a relationship with a beautiful man who loves himself. And now, they have chosen to share their lives and share their love, till death do they part. Why do I know that this is the right man for Cassie? Because I know how much Cassie loves herself and I can see how much this man loves himself and I know their love for themselves is independent of the love that they share for one another. And because of this, his happiness is not in her hands. Her happiness is not in his hands. Their hands are clasped in union, while their independence is recognized, honored and respected. And they belong together.

I began wrapping my mind around these ideas of love, relationships, independence and belonging when I drove out of South Carolina 7 years ago. My belief that that road trip was the beginning of my journey home is strengthened daily. Back in the day, I could not see, receive or understand love because I did not experience love for myself. Now, I recognize that I am exactly where I belong. And I know this, because I know how to trust my intuition, trust my heart, trust my head, and I know, above all else, how to love myself. How about you? How strong is the relationship you have with yourself? And how is this relationship reflected in the relationships you maintain with others?

Moving Right Along

I am often amazed by the power of intention. I set out in 2003 on an adventure that would prove to change my life in more ways than I could possibly imagine. I am now living in my sixth state since that journey began. I have loved deeply, lost much and am now open to receiving all the blessings life offers without attachment and without expectation. If you had told me, even two years ago, that I would be living in Wilmington, NC in pursuit of a clearly defined goal, I would not have believed you.

Alas, here I am. I returned to the South with the intention of engaging in a new community in ways consistent with my life mission that I developed in 2004. This mission is to contribute to the physical, emotional and spiritual health of my community. I am now working on an organic farm and at a cooperatively owned food market. I am a farm hand and a cashier; seemingly simple jobs that are proving to provide more fulfillment than I could possibly have hoped for. My long-term goal is to lead community development efforts in the poor neighborhoods of Wilmington. I plan to create a non-profit, after-school program modeled after the Cornstalk Institute, where I worked in Albuquerque, NM. A portion of this program will include gardening, which is why I am seeking experience on the organic farm. The cooperative food market is a community-based, non-profit organization through which I will learn a great deal about both my community and the inner workings of a non-profit business. I have already met amazing people with similar interests; something that I once thought impossible for me to find in the South. My mind was once closed.

I live 15 minutes from the sea. When I sit on the beach and look across the ocean at the distant horizon, I cannot help but be reminded how small I am. I cannot help but imagine a whole different continent on the other end of that great big ocean. This is how Columbus must have seen the sea. At times, I want to swim across and see what I find. When I see the porpoises in the ocean and the pelicans and gulls in the air searching for food, I am reminded about how fragile life is. When I reconnect with family that is so dear to my heart and meet distant relatives about whom I have always heard yet from whom I have remained so far away, I can see myself in their faces, actions and words. I realize that I am home. I am exactly where I need to be, where I want to be and it is my intention that brought me here. I feel comfort and safety. I feel love and gratitude.

I have a Great Aunt Caroline about whom I have heard much over the recent years. I was fortunate enough to share precious time with her before she passed of lung cancer. She was extremely tired when I shared this time with her and she opened her door and heart to me. She saw straight through me the minute I met her. She pegged my need for affection and need for a sense of belonging. Her long, strong embrace fulfilled both of these needs in an enduring way. Caroline has my grandmother's eyes and I have Caroline's hands. Strong, hard working

hands. This recognition strengthens my understanding of roots, heritage and ancestry. I learned of her passing only yesterday. Before learning of her passing, I planned to contact her to tell her I finally got a job on a farm. Farming is a trade that runs deep in our family and she encouraged me to follow this passion. I will long for one more visit with Caroline and will set intention to remain connected with her spirit.

Cornstalk Institute is no longer operating the after-school program for which I once worked. I am fortunate enough to remain in contact with several of my former students. I am amazed by their pursuits as they mature into adulthood. I realize the work that I do with teenagers isn't about helping the teenagers. It is about holding on to my own childhood and learning about the nature of being human. It is about sharing the lessons I have learned so that I can continue to benefit from them over and over again. I have had so many wonderful teachers in my life, the teenagers included. The reason I do the work that I do is to honor the many teachings that have given me the knowledge to make healthy choices for myself every day. I am indeed quite selfish.

I am in a phenomenal online graduate program through Clemson University. I battle with seeing orange and purple and hearing my classmates support the Tigers. It is not easy being a Gamecock; much less being a Gamecock Clemson student. The good news is, since the program is online, I don't have to engage in the Tiger activities. And I will not hold against my brilliant professors their love for all things obnoxiously orange. My intention is with the knowledge I am gaining, not with athletics. My current research concerns community development in support of positive youth development. My plan is to form a community coalition that prioritizes our youth. Our youth are our future. I have seen the positive outcomes of hearing and empowering youth. The potential of every human is limitless; regardless of gender, race, social class, physical challenges, learning challenges, emotional challenges, or behavioral challenges.

My life path is continuing to unfold and I feel more and more secure in this path every day. I am eternally grateful for my family of friends that support me with compassion, empathy and unconditional love. My heart is so full of love that at times it feels as if I may explode. This is a glorious feeling; to feel so alive. It is my hope for all of you reading this, that you will take a moment to step outside, feel the warmth of the sun, feel the stability of the earth beneath your feet, feel the nurturing of your breath, and smell the sweet, sweet smells of springtime. Even in the suffering that we all experience, this is life. This is your life. What is your intention for today?