New Home Sweet Home

It was 2003 when I left South Carolina, swearing I would never return.  I was 28 years old.  Ten years later, 2013 and 38 years old, I have come full circle.  Not only did I return to South Carolina, I have returned to the very town of my birth, Hartsville.  So far, the things that I need and the things that I desire have been coming easily.  Take my new home, for example. I fantasized about a quiet, simple and private house for myself with just enough space for my most treasured belongings and enough sun to grow my own vegetables.  This is where I now live.

I wanted to be close enough to my Mom and Dad to be able to see them whenever I want and whenever I need.  I have already spent countless hours in the kitchen with my Mom and shared delicious meals on her beautiful porch.

I have wanted to go hunting with my Dad and earn the privilege to learn more skilled hunting techniques in order to humbly provide myself with meat to eat.  While I haven't yet gotten to hunt with him, he did try to call in a turkey on one of the last days of turkey season...in my backyard...with no luck.  We have many more hunting seasons to take advantage of and I am excited to show him how to actually get a turkey!  ;)

I wanted to be closer to my brother and his family; to actually be a part of my niece and nephew's lives as opposed to being the distant aunt that is horrible about remembering holidays and birthdays.  I wanted to share time with my niece and nephew, sharing what I love about life with them and learning from their own individual explorations.  I have already spent a full day romping in the wilderness with them and seeing trails, I have hiked so many times, for the very first time again through their eyes.

It is with more faith in my life's purpose than I have ever had that I return to Hartsville.  After one and a half years of working for a non-profit organization that supports men and women returning from prison; an organization that is a beautiful summation of a beautiful man's own life purpose; I am committing 100% of my energy into creating an after-school program for teenagers.  This is the dream I have carried with me since 2005 and the dream that lead me to grad school and to Wilmington, NC.  I have my work cut out for me.  I have a whole new community to understand and another puzzle in which to figure out where the piece that is "me" fits.  This is the sixth time I have been faced with this challenge in the past 10 years.  I do love moving to a new community and learning the beautiful nuances of the diverse cultures that make each community unique.  As I once vowed never to return to this town, I now seek to establish a life in this town that will carry me into old age along with family and friends who have known me since birth and many, many new friends I have yet to find.  Yes indeed, I am finally home!  New home sweet home it is!!!

Here She Goes Again

Long Lost Greetings!  I was shocked to see that is has been two years since my last post!  What have I been doing all this time?

Well, I can tell you.  I finished graduate school, through which I learned the science behind what my experiences have demonstrated to be truth.  I have been a student of social justice and politics.  I have been challenged by the harsh realities of society in the Western world.  I have loved and lost...again.  I have explored the depths of my heart and spirit.  I have worked harder than I have ever worked before. I have seen the "light" and am returning home.  I have realized I have so much to learn!

Here she goes again...

Ruby Assatta Prevails!

We did it! We raised enough money for Alisha to buy her sewing machine and supplies for a new line of bags and accessories. I wouldn't be surprised if we see some clothes come out of this too! Thank you to all who donated! You won't regret it! Hopefully you signed up to receive a handmade gift. You deserve it!

Alisha and Courtney send their thanks!

Ruby Assata

When I moved to Wilmington, I met an amazing (in every sense of the word) woman who lived in my building at the time, Alisha Payne. Upon our first introduction, I asked her, "What do you do?" She said, "Many things. I am a server. I make things. I sew things. I draw things. And I work for the costume shop at UNCW." I said, "Oh, that's nice." Alisha quickly became my favorite person in Wilmington. As I got to see these "things" that she drew and sewed, I discovered that she is in fact, an extremely humble artist. These things that she "draws" and "sews" are custom high end accessories, such as leather wallets, oversized, leather bags, dresses, and capes. She creates all of these things and more under the brand name Ruby Assata. She is one of the most creative, inspired, and motivated individuals that I know. She applied to graduate school at SCAD and RISD (sp?) and surprisingly did not get accepted. So, she moved to her parents house where she would have access to an industrial leather sewing machine and a workspace large enough to actualize all of her creative dreams. She has been working steadily, making her designs into functional, high quality works of art. She sells her products on etsy, in designer boutiques and even revealed her very first line of designer bags in a fashion show in Charlotte.

Alisha prioritizes quality and functionality in everything she designs and creates. I wish I could articulate how awe-inspiring this woman truly is. Not only is she an awesome designer and artist, she is also an unbelievable friend. I had known her only 2 months when I returned to my home from a visit with my family to find my apartment decorated with balloons and streamers for my birthday. Who had done this? Alisha. She hand makes every gift that she gives, for birthdays, "thank you"s, holidays... If she gives you something, she made it, especially for you. She volunteered her time to design and screenprint 100 posters for the local film festival here in Wilmington. She listens, learns, and does everything she can to support the people in her life. She welcomed me into her circle of friends immediately. She arranged for me to meet people who would support the fulfillment of my own dreams. She is a very special friend to me.

Why am I telling you about my dear friend Alisha? Because she is currently raising funds for herself. Do you want to learn more about her efforts to fulfill her dream? Watch this video. Do you want to track her journey, see pictures of her creations, or learn about her creative process? Check out her blog. Do you want to learn more about who she is and the products she creates? Check out her website. If you have a couple of dollars that you can donate to a worthy cause, consider contributing to her fundraising efforts. Your donation will only be cashed if they achieve their goal (she only has 12 days left). If you donate, she will send you a handmade thank you card and you will then own a one-of-a-kind custom work of art from Ruby Assata. You will be glad to own this piece of art when she is famous. At the very least, please watch the video she created with her ever-talented friends. It is beautiful.

Flashbacks

I just had a flash of realization of how different my life is today than it was a year ago. October 1 marked my 1 year anniversary living in Wilmington. I am listening to some of my favorite female musicians while preparing a "spot o' tea" for myself. My tea of choice this morning is Mate Riviera from Townshend's Teahouse in Bend, OR. I have not sipped this tea since my road trip. It was the smell of the tea that hit me. I instantly flashed back to my many visits to the Teahouse, tasting a new tea with each visit. I felt as if I had been slapped in the face by an undeniable desire to be amidst the ponderosa pines, to feel the cool, dry air on my skin, and to share a spot 0' tea with dear friends, whom I miss greatly.

Don't get me wrong, I am content in my new home. I am making new friends and growing exponentially every day. I still miss the familiar. Even after a year, everything feels so new. I guess the one thing that is most familiar, is this feeling. This feeling of being in yet another new place for the one year anniversary, longing for familiarity and for connections that are now scattered. I have a feeling this time is going to be different, though. I have a feeling that this one year anniversary will grow into a 5 year anniversary. Now, that will be interesting!

Love, Relationships, Independence & Belonging

My life has been filled with love. Even in the moments when I could not see the love, receive the love or understand the love, love has been there.

My life has been filled with relationships. After all, it is my belief that this is exactly what life is all about: relationships. Relationships are what nurture us, sustain us, inspire us, hurt us, create suffering. All living things have relationships. At the most basic level, a tree is nurtured, sustained and inspired by its relationship with all other living things; soil, sun, water, animals, insects, humans. We need that tree for oxygen just as much as the squirrels need its nuts, the bees need its pollen, the birds need its branches, and the soil needs its compost. Human relationships are much more complex and personal while equally as dependent. The human brain creates expectations, which complicates our relationships. The tree does not expect the soil to do what it does. The process of a tree growing and developing is natural, survival. It is instinctual. A tree does not have fear. A tree only knows survival. We can learn a lot from observing the relationships between non-human, living organisms.

The impact of our relationships make us who we are and this impact cannot be measured. Our earliest relationship begins at conception, with our mother. As developing fetuses we rely 100% on our mothers for survival. That relationship can begin with nurturing and support or with neglect. As we grow, our relationships expand to that of the family, neighborhood, social environments, and then school. As we enter into adolescence, our relationship with ourselves begins to form. We explore our identities; gender, religious, cultural, familial. We seek independence from what we know, as our brains become capable of thinking in the hypothetical. We, for the first time ever, are able to think about "thinking." No wonder so many teenagers are argumentative, curious, sensation- and risk-seeking. As we enter into adulthood, our relationships become more and more complex. We form a relationship with our local communities and with our National identity. That National identity has a relationship with the entire world. Each of these relationships can be based on love, trust, peace, nurturing, and inspiration. Or, on the flip side, these relationships can be based on neglect, unmet needs, pain and suffering.

The most important relationship is the one we have with ourselves. This is the relationship that will dictate the productivity of every other relationship into which we enter. I once read that we as humans will accept as much abuse from another as we believe we deserve. Basically, we will accept as much abuse from another as we are willing to inflict upon ourselves. One of my colleagues in Wilderness Therapy used to teach our students that "expectations are premeditated resentments." What she means is that when we have expectations of others' behavior or of our environment, we are setting ourselves up for disappointment, which breeds resentment. When those expectations are not met (as they are sure not to be more often than they will be) we resent the other for not behaving the way we expected. I believe expectations cause most of the strife in our relationships. And how often do we consider our expectations of ourselves? When we decide to truly love ourselves, above and beyond all else, we can find peace. When we decide to truly love ourselves, we can experience the greatest love of all. (Didn't Whitney Houston sing this?)

I know, from my own experiences, that when I place my happiness in the hands of someone else, I am always neglected. No other human being can be responsible for my happiness. When I take full responsibility for my own happiness, I have fewer expectations of others. I do what I need to do in order to meet my needs, to inspire myself, to nurture myself; I love myself. My happiness is independent of anyone else. With this love that I create in my relationship with myself, independence is achieved. And with this independence, comes a sense of belonging. My relationships with others are stronger because I am not in need of anything that I cannot provide for myself. My expectations of others are lessened, revealing raw, pure love.

I recently returned from the most beautiful wedding I have ever had the pleasure of attending.

I was honored to stand in support of my dear friend Cassie and her union with her best friend. Over the past few years, alongside Cassie, I learned so much of what I believe about my relationships with myself and with others. I got to watch Cassie choose to put herself first and heal her relationship with herself, as I practiced healing my own relationships. And in that process, Cassie entered into a relationship with a beautiful man who loves himself. And now, they have chosen to share their lives and share their love, till death do they part. Why do I know that this is the right man for Cassie? Because I know how much Cassie loves herself and I can see how much this man loves himself and I know their love for themselves is independent of the love that they share for one another. And because of this, his happiness is not in her hands. Her happiness is not in his hands. Their hands are clasped in union, while their independence is recognized, honored and respected. And they belong together.

I began wrapping my mind around these ideas of love, relationships, independence and belonging when I drove out of South Carolina 7 years ago. My belief that that road trip was the beginning of my journey home is strengthened daily. Back in the day, I could not see, receive or understand love because I did not experience love for myself. Now, I recognize that I am exactly where I belong. And I know this, because I know how to trust my intuition, trust my heart, trust my head, and I know, above all else, how to love myself. How about you? How strong is the relationship you have with yourself? And how is this relationship reflected in the relationships you maintain with others?

Moving Right Along

I am often amazed by the power of intention. I set out in 2003 on an adventure that would prove to change my life in more ways than I could possibly imagine. I am now living in my sixth state since that journey began. I have loved deeply, lost much and am now open to receiving all the blessings life offers without attachment and without expectation. If you had told me, even two years ago, that I would be living in Wilmington, NC in pursuit of a clearly defined goal, I would not have believed you.

Alas, here I am. I returned to the South with the intention of engaging in a new community in ways consistent with my life mission that I developed in 2004. This mission is to contribute to the physical, emotional and spiritual health of my community. I am now working on an organic farm and at a cooperatively owned food market. I am a farm hand and a cashier; seemingly simple jobs that are proving to provide more fulfillment than I could possibly have hoped for. My long-term goal is to lead community development efforts in the poor neighborhoods of Wilmington. I plan to create a non-profit, after-school program modeled after the Cornstalk Institute, where I worked in Albuquerque, NM. A portion of this program will include gardening, which is why I am seeking experience on the organic farm. The cooperative food market is a community-based, non-profit organization through which I will learn a great deal about both my community and the inner workings of a non-profit business. I have already met amazing people with similar interests; something that I once thought impossible for me to find in the South. My mind was once closed.

I live 15 minutes from the sea. When I sit on the beach and look across the ocean at the distant horizon, I cannot help but be reminded how small I am. I cannot help but imagine a whole different continent on the other end of that great big ocean. This is how Columbus must have seen the sea. At times, I want to swim across and see what I find. When I see the porpoises in the ocean and the pelicans and gulls in the air searching for food, I am reminded about how fragile life is. When I reconnect with family that is so dear to my heart and meet distant relatives about whom I have always heard yet from whom I have remained so far away, I can see myself in their faces, actions and words. I realize that I am home. I am exactly where I need to be, where I want to be and it is my intention that brought me here. I feel comfort and safety. I feel love and gratitude.

I have a Great Aunt Caroline about whom I have heard much over the recent years. I was fortunate enough to share precious time with her before she passed of lung cancer. She was extremely tired when I shared this time with her and she opened her door and heart to me. She saw straight through me the minute I met her. She pegged my need for affection and need for a sense of belonging. Her long, strong embrace fulfilled both of these needs in an enduring way. Caroline has my grandmother's eyes and I have Caroline's hands. Strong, hard working

hands. This recognition strengthens my understanding of roots, heritage and ancestry. I learned of her passing only yesterday. Before learning of her passing, I planned to contact her to tell her I finally got a job on a farm. Farming is a trade that runs deep in our family and she encouraged me to follow this passion. I will long for one more visit with Caroline and will set intention to remain connected with her spirit.

Cornstalk Institute is no longer operating the after-school program for which I once worked. I am fortunate enough to remain in contact with several of my former students. I am amazed by their pursuits as they mature into adulthood. I realize the work that I do with teenagers isn't about helping the teenagers. It is about holding on to my own childhood and learning about the nature of being human. It is about sharing the lessons I have learned so that I can continue to benefit from them over and over again. I have had so many wonderful teachers in my life, the teenagers included. The reason I do the work that I do is to honor the many teachings that have given me the knowledge to make healthy choices for myself every day. I am indeed quite selfish.

I am in a phenomenal online graduate program through Clemson University. I battle with seeing orange and purple and hearing my classmates support the Tigers. It is not easy being a Gamecock; much less being a Gamecock Clemson student. The good news is, since the program is online, I don't have to engage in the Tiger activities. And I will not hold against my brilliant professors their love for all things obnoxiously orange. My intention is with the knowledge I am gaining, not with athletics. My current research concerns community development in support of positive youth development. My plan is to form a community coalition that prioritizes our youth. Our youth are our future. I have seen the positive outcomes of hearing and empowering youth. The potential of every human is limitless; regardless of gender, race, social class, physical challenges, learning challenges, emotional challenges, or behavioral challenges.

My life path is continuing to unfold and I feel more and more secure in this path every day. I am eternally grateful for my family of friends that support me with compassion, empathy and unconditional love. My heart is so full of love that at times it feels as if I may explode. This is a glorious feeling; to feel so alive. It is my hope for all of you reading this, that you will take a moment to step outside, feel the warmth of the sun, feel the stability of the earth beneath your feet, feel the nurturing of your breath, and smell the sweet, sweet smells of springtime. Even in the suffering that we all experience, this is life. This is your life. What is your intention for today?